My friend just brought his newborn baby into work and I nearly broke down and cried. I haven't cried for a very long time and it was a strange sensation to be fighting back the tears after all this time. Luckily there are two people in the office who know (well, they think I had a miscarriage) and were supportive and got me away from the baby quickly. After seeing my own dead foetus last week, with arms and legs and eyes, to see a healthy baby just made me feel sick. 

And what, dear friends, is the solution? An 18 inch pizza, a bottle of wine, a spliff, a comedy and a good mate to share it all with! Have a good evening one and all
x x x

 
My evening planned!

.....Bank Holiday, a day full of nothingness. It was so exciting I can't even remember what I did! Wasted it. I know that the boyf left for work at 5pm and at 5.10pm I had texted a few males to see if any of them fancied entertaining me. The ex was the first to bite, and offered to take me to see Iron Man. He'd already seen it twice, but was happy to go again with me cos I hadn't seen it yet. Oooh, I just remembered what I did with the boyf - went for a posh late lunch to celebrate our six month anniversary (although I ended up paying for mine - I hate how stingey the boyf is!)

Anyway, I was already dressed quite smartly on account of the posh lunch, so freshened up my makeup and went to meet the ex. And he treated me like the boyf ought to. Paid for the cinema, took me out for food afterwards and then took me to a trendy bar and bought me drinks. Not that I expect to have everything bought for me, but its nice to go out with a gentleman from time to time. I know by the end of the night I was more than a little whistful about our failed relationship. Having said that, up until January we had been meeting up for random nights of amazing sex - the relationship hadn't worked but we are  still extremely physically and mentally compatible. Plus by that point I'd realised that although the boyf is a hunk, he doesn't exactly push all my buttons. And occassionally, say once a month, I would like to have my buttons pushed!

I digress. So, whilst I was in the cinema my other hopeful had replied - the enigmatic and elusive L. It had been quite some time since our last clinch and I was devoid of all passion and missing the way he kissed me, so I thought I'd bite the bullet and contact him. Wouldn't you know it? The ex has designs on wining and dining me and L suddenly decides he wants me to come round. After several texts and much deliberation I begged L to reschedule me for the following evening, knowing that he probably wouldn't. I ended up cuddling the ex at a bus stop with both of us knowing we wanted more but holding back. A good old fashioned mind fuck, but a nice friendly one. When I stop this infernal bleeding and get rid of Mr Dull, the ex will be getting a call.....

Once I got home I realised I had to deal with the missed calls and texts I'd managed to ignore from the boyf. Even when he's in work he still bombards me constantly. He's worse than a woman!! I made up some excuse about dozing off and having only just woken up, and that seemed to placate him. Meanwhile, I stayed up for a few hours excited and nervous at the prospect of seeing L the next day. When I woke up the next morning, a horrible depressive melancholy hit me. I've suffered from depression before, but the melancholy is worse. Just a horrible gnawing feeling of nothingness. I promptly phoned in sick and went back to bed, knowing the boyf would turn up after his night shift and get in bed with me. I didn't care at that point. Managed to sleep most of the morning and enjoyed a cuddle, but then later when I got up I started snapping at the boyf and started resenting him for always being there. It feels like we live together and we bloody well don't.

Anyway, he went off to work again and I heard from L - now here I have to be vague I'm afraid as I'd be mortified if he ever read this and sussed it was him. Suffice to say, he ended up coming back to mine later that evening and before long had thrown me to the floor in front of a roaring fire (how hollywood!) and ignited long-dormant feelings of animal lust. By god I just wanted to tear the clothes from his body and do things to him that I am to coy to write about!! I explained to him why I was unable to have sex for a while and he was understanding and held me for the longest time and it felt so good! We got round to discussing what we were doing with each other and we agreed that as long as we could have no-strings fun and still maintain our friendship, we were happy. Shortly after we scrambled half-naked to the bedroom and I spent the night in his arms (amongst other places!)

Now comes the problem: as he left in the morning my nosey neighbour happened to look out and see him. Now she loves the boyf and would no doubt find a way to drop that juicy bit of gossip into the conversation next time she sees him. I could almost have gotten away with saying L was a friend/cousin if he hadn't've turned and kissed me before he left....
Needless to say, yesterday morning I was on cloud nine, daydreaming about future trysts with L. I also arranged to go and spend the night with an old friend of mine - which would mean I'd spent each night so far this week with a different guy. Realising this, I set out to find someone new to spend tonight with as well - if I'm gonna be a tart I might as well do it wholeheartedly! The boyf was less than pleased to find out that he wouldn't be spending the evening with me, and even more upset that I was planning a sleepover with my mate and his twin brother. Sod him. He's so paranoid about me cheating on him with the kosher guys that he's oblivious when the real flings rear their heads. If only he knew how much I wished he was cheating on me.
However, I felt guilty about leaving my cat alone over night (I'm a sucker for a pussy) so the sleepover turned into dinner and a chat and then home at a late enough hour to call the boyf and let him know that I'd only got home but that I wan't having a sleepover after all - but not cos I was pandering to him. He wanted to come round "just so he could sleep next to me" but I put him off and told him I'd see him on Friday.

And now? Now I'm organising for man #4 to come round and pay me a visit tonight. What can I say??! I know one thing though - either the boyf cools it and gives me some space or he's gone for good. If I can bring myself to break his heart. It's only fair on the poor lad though. Well, either that or I can send him off to L for tips on how to make a woman feel alive!!!

...to be such a bitch. Trust me to spend the evening of my six month anniversary with the boyf with another guy. And not just any other guy, but the elusive L. Let me bring you up to speed...

Exactly a week ago I went in for my abortion. I won't dwell on it cos it was a strange experience. I was more freaked out hearing the girl in the room next to me sobbing than by what was actually happening to me. I don't know whether the worst part was seeing the foetus or telling the boyf that I'd seen it and getting a non-reaction. Another gold star for Mr Sympathetic. Anyway, he picked me up from the hospital and kept squeezing my bum and touching me in what I thought was an inappropriate manner considering that I was heavily bleeding and had not been allowed to lie down since 7am. So I snapped. And he seemed to take it in his stride. I would've dumped him there and then but I needed someone to be with me through this. Since then we haven't really talked about it and he doesn't seem at all interested in the hours I spent on that ward or what I went through. Fuck him. I told my friends I'd had a miscarriage for fear of blurting out "I had an abortion cos my boyfriend pressured me into it" and I received far more sympathy from them than the boyf. Only a handful of my closest friends know what really happened.

Anyway, moving on. I went out on the Friday night to try to get drunk and forget my worries, unfortunately the boyf was in tow. It was an ok night until he started pouting and it emerged that he was not comfortable with his girlfriend being over-familiar with a group of male friends, and was worried that said male friends may not be showing the right amount of respect and courtesy. This was worsened by the fact that I bumped into the ex in a bar and bought him a drink, and then got jumped on by an old friend who I hadn't seen for ages, who was a bit drunk and friendly and hugged me for a bit too long, according to the boyf. Arguments ensued and I stormed home, still with him in tow, muttering about me not introducing him to everyone as my boyfriend. I had no idea we were each others' property. He obviously wants to delve into bdsm if that's what he's going for....

Saturday was bliss as he was in work and I spent the day running round organising an event for that evening. Hormones being what they were, I decided to cut my hair as well, and then wear a see-thru dress that night. I've since seen the pictures and I'm not impressed. Drank as much champagne as I could lay my hands on and had a few lines to chill me out, and was determined to introduce the duly suited and booted boyf as he so wished. But I just wasn't feeling the party spirit. Which is probably why a bit later on my attention momentarily lapsed and I forgot to hitch my skirt up walking downstairs into an exclusive club - henceforth making a grand entrance on my knees and spilling the contents of my clutch bag across the bar. Classy. I went home soon after.

Sunday was another blissfully peaceful day spent lounging and gardening. Called in on a party in the evening and then went to se the boyf in town to try to be the dutiful girlfriend and get along with his mates. Unfortunately I hadn't realised there were about 20 of them out and I stuck out a mile as the only girl, wearing a short skirt and high heeled boots. Adding insult to injury, I got ID'd in the pub and asked to leave the premises, which everyone thought was hilarious. I can't believe someone thinks I look under 20! I called it an early night...

This brings me to Bank Holiday Monday............

GPs are a joke. Mine led me to believe that an abortion could be done in half a day. He told me that all I had to do was go to the hospital and they'd give me a tablet and monitor me and that would be it. No such luck. I went in yesterday at 8:50am with a nice full bladder (because thats what you have to have for an ultrasound, which is what they do before killing off the foetus, apparently). I got messed around and moved to different wards, and eventually got told I would be having a TV scan, which is even less lovely than an ultrasound. I won't go into details.
After that I was up and down and in and out while they checked things like weight and blood pressure, and then I was informed that I had to come back for the tablet which caused everything to stop growing, and then three days later I had to go back in to have another tablet to bring on a miscarriage. So it wasn't as easy as everyone had said. Even worse, they keep me in for obs and I have to use bedpans only whenever I go the loo so they can examine what comes out - ew.
So I've scheduled myself back in for Tuesday so it won't disrupt my weekend. Ha ha.
Meanwhile, the boyf is on holiday with the lads. He was upset because I picked the earliest possible appointment, which I knew would be when he was away, but as I said to him - what good is he in a women's clinic? What is he going to do - hold my hand?? I think he's done enough already. However, he promised to call and text every day, and started sending 'I miss you' texts when he was still at the airport. Which is great, considering I've hardly heard from him since. I had one message to say he'd arrived safely, and then a voicemail in  the middle of the morning yesterday (not before my appointment, wishing me luck, which is what anyone else would've done) informing me that he'd run out of credit but would call me later. And that was the last I heard from him. Considering he thought I was having the full abortion yesterday, I think that's a little cold, don't you?

I think it's safe to say that the relationship is headed the same way as his unborn child. Down the pan.

Anyway, I did manage to have a little fun at the weekend. I had an horrendous night in work on Saturday, but then went round to see L, who I haven't been intimate with for far too long. After chatting he invited me to bed, as we were both tired, and we cuddled up and dozed off. Sunday morning was not so tame - we threw each other around the bed a fair bit, and by god I felt what it was like to be kissed and caressed with real PASSION!! I mean, is it too much to ask to have wild, wanton, passionate frolics every now and then? We still haven't slept together yet, but 5 minutes rolling around with him is much more desirable than half an hour with the boyf. And I say half an hour idealistically - these days he can barely last 5 minutes...
Alas though, L has since given me the cold shoulder. I think he has discovered that a few girls see him as 'a catch', and is having fun playing the field. Let him. After the amazing 'lip service' (ahem) I paid him, he'll soon change his tune...

So, that about brings me up to date. I only wish that I was in the sun and not stuck in my office typing!

Gosh, that title sounds a bit dramatic!! Don't worry, the boyf hasn't died, just our relationship. It's gone with the wind I'm afraid. The whole pregnancy thing has put a real strain on the relationship, although he seems to be fine with everything - at least, he hasn't said anything to indicate he feels the same as me. We barely talk and  when he comes round I end up going to bed cos I need my sleep. He complains that I just turn my back to him and go to sleep but at the end of the day its MY house, MY bed, MY back that's sore if I don't sleep right and if he wanted to cuddle there's nothing to stop him spooning me. The way we sleep is a good analogy of the relationship: he expects to lie how he likes and have me in the crook of his arm or lying on his chest, so that I get a bad neck and end up having to move once he's asleep. He won't sleep the way I sleep cos it's too much of a nuisance and he'd have to put himself out. And he doesn't like putting himself out for anyone. Even his pregnant girlfriend.

Its getting to the stage where everything he does is grating on me. He pointed out last night that my feet were a bit smelly one day cos I'd been wearing pumps with no socks. I retaliated by telling him that his breath stunk. He thought I was being nasty. I wasn't. He's starting to remind me more and more of a certain ex who I put up with for nearly 3 years before realising I was going through the motions. I sometimes regret splitting up with him cos he was perfect: handsome, intelligent, good sex, good prospects. And boring. Exactly the same as the current boyf. Thing is, I wouldn't mind the boredom if I could have a bit on the side for some fun. But he's so stifling at the moment that I couldn't possibly. Stopped escorting altogether and only dancing one night a week. And he gets in a huff when I ask for space. I think we all know where this is going....except for him!

As for evening sicknes - its horrible. Can't really eat anything after 1pm cos I feel too queasy, and the boyf is not being very understanding. He keeps telling me off for not having proper meals - he doesn't understand what its like to eat something knowing you're gonna see it masticated in the bottom of the loo half an hour later...