This week seems to be all about having your cake and eating it. After the weekend doing 'high class' work, I went away with the boyf for a family do and to meet the intended in-laws. I was charming to the last, (I always know how to behave around family), although more than slightly stressed due to my need to be liked by everyone. As a result of this, I consumed a few too many complimentary champagnes, and started slipping into my loud northern brogue, but after a couple of "Are you ok?"s and "are you a bit tipsy?"s from the boyf, and settled down again.
Following our return I threw myself into a new fitness regime, which requires me to go to the gym as often as possible and meanwhile live off glorified rabbit food. One evening, I was happily sweating away on the crosstrainer when I caught a glimpse of my mystery man on the rowers. (For those of you who are regular readers, this is the same guy I've been toying with for some time, and whom helped me have an enjoyable birthday morning, amongst other things). From now on I shall refer to him as L.
Anyway, I spotted L and we acknowledged each other and eventually we started to chat and it transpired that he had split from his girlf some time ago and apparently assumed I was single also. I'm not entirely sure if he had hoped to spark the flames of romance, but in my head he was merely for fun. For the time being. Anyway. He invited me back to his office to shower, which I turned down, and then went over anyway. We spent 10 minutes making smalltalk before he grabbed me and covered me in the most passionate spine-tingling kisses I'd felt in a while.
Now then, a word about the boyf. He is very good in bed (although he seems to be limited to a handful of positions) and is always able to make me soaking (although I rarely feel the actual sensation of an orgasm) but there is no goddamn spark. He never gives me goosebumps or makes me fingers itch to trail down his back or pull his hair. Its all just a bit mediocre. However, he is gorgeous and the perfect man and I love him. I just want some excitement too.
So, back to L. I could feel his arousal as he kissed me and he suggested helping him christen his office (something we've often fantasised about) but something was stopping me. Possibly the fact that I felt scruffy after the gym or that I was supposed to be on my way to meet the boyf. I turned him down, and instead got a lovely stubble rash on my neck. Which turned out to be the downfall of everything. After L had pointed it out and asked me how I planned to disguise it, I retorted "What will the boyfriend say??!" - almost without thinking. The look of surprise on his face sealed my doom - L was gutted and disgusted in himself for tempting a taken woman. He vowed never to lay another finger on me and apologised profusely. So began two days of discomfort.
What was I supposed to say?? The only thing I could think of: "I'm sorry, I just wanted to have my cake and eat it". Maybe slightly offensive but at least honest.
Since then, we have made ammends. I've gone back to being slightly suggestive in my texts and emails and he has admitted that he would find it hard to turn me down, despite his strong moral standing.
And as for the title of this blog?
Well, I am trying to suss out whether I am a profoundly deep person or as crystal clear and shallow as a spilt thimblefull of water. You see, I don't feel any differently about anyone. I like L, I would like to spend a great deal of time in his bed, I would maybe even enjoy being his girlfriend. At the same time, I love the boyf and feel contented with him to a certain degree, and not one tiny bit guilty about all my indiscretions. I know if he found out it would break his heart. I'm not being big headed, I just know how much he loves and trusts me and how it would totally ruin him if he knew how I'd mocked his implicit faith. I'd like to think that I am a bottomless well of emotion and that someday, the guilt I am failing to feel will come back and bite me, and I'll get my just desserts. Or maybe I feel blank because I'm blank inside.

Oh yes, and an addition to the saga: I may be pregnant and if I am the boyf wants me to get rid of it as he says its a bit too soon for a family. Shit.