Lies and Secrets

Yes, I'm back in blighty! Landed early hours Friday and got to Liverpool and a warm bed around 6am. First things first: this country is feckin freezing!!! By now I am full of cold, sneezing and snuffling all over the place. But not to fear, I am going to Malta at 7:45am tomorrow! I've literally had just enough time to go sort out my outstanding council tax (robbing bastards) from last year which I was convinced I'd paid, and nip into Primark for some cheapo lightweight jumpers to chuck in my case.

Put off unpacking til yesterday, and then literally emptied out the binbags with my winter stuff and refilled them with my summer stuff, with a couple of items to overlap. Repacked this morning, and have managed to narrow 3 cases (60k) of luggage down to 2 cases of about 30k in total. Not bad...

Bit pissed off about the fact that my so-called friends have not been ringing the phone off the hook - I've literally seen less than 5 people since I've been back. Oh well, fuck 'em. And I made the mistake before I flew home of going to Istanbul to see my exotic-looking fella. My friends in Turkey dubbed it a 'make or break' trip before I left, as we had been having some small and fairly petty arguments over the phone. But once I saw him, and was welcomed with open arms into his family home, I knew that it would be torture to leave. I spent 2 wonderful days there doing all the stupid tourist-y stuff and laughing and kissing and holding hands like one of those sickeningly annoying couples you see on TV. We took photos of everything, even of each other sitting on a bus or a train or putting a forkful of baclava in our mouths. We want to be together and there are so many forces tryign to stop us.

One thing is annoying me though - he wants to know everything about me. I mean EVERYTHING. And I had just got out of the habit of pouring my heart out to the latest boyf. Now I don't want to open up. I've spent quite a while teaching myself to be guarded. He randomly asked me yesterday if I had ever been raped, and as I was about to reply 'no' I suddenly remembered a certain incident that had happened when I was 19. I had been date raped. And I hada forgotten it had ever happened to me. When I say "date raped", it wasn't some horrific thing, I was simply drugged so that I was so out of it I didn't know my own name. However, had I been more in control of my senses, I was gonna sleep with him anyway - he looked like Dermot O' Leary! At the time I shrugged it off and told myself never to let a guy give me drinks all night, or at least keep an eye on what he's doing with them. But anyway, that was in the past. I understand my new guy wants to know me inside out - but dredging up old, mostly forgotten memories? I'd rather live in the here and now. He's told me that due to his job (in the entertainment industry) he has slept with over 500 women, but to be honest I'm not interested. Past is past. I don't want to ask questions, unless its constructive questions like "when are you going to get a decent job?" or "when will you stop sending your wages home to your family?"

Hmmmm.

Anyway, he's promising to get a visa and passport sorted so he can join me in Malta, but to be honest, by the time he gets there, I reckon I'll have quit the job and moved on, probably momentarily back to England. The job is getting me down. And I'll be working in the capacity of something similar to a saga rep - joyful times!
Better dash - have to practise my bingo calling....

So, we've lost another young celebrity. I wasn't really that bothered by the loss of Michael Jackson, if I'm honest. More shocked at the fact that someone so strange was actually mortal. I was saddened by the death of Patrick Swayze - I watched Dirty Dancing every day of my study leave for my A Levels. Everyone wanted to be Baby at some point in their life, I'm sure. And Now Stephen Gately is gone as well. Only 33. My thoughts? It could have been worse - it could have been someone from Take That!

According to my boss I've lost my 'sparkle' - I replied wouldn't you lose your sparkle if you'd had to pay £300 to replace the company money that got stolen from your room? As well as my own personal savings that were stolen. And not forgetting my lovely new laptop that also magically disappeared. And no one gives a fuck. I think I'd lose my sparkle if that happened to me. Oh no, wait - it did.

My soulmate mentioned marriage last week. He talked about going to the consulate to see what needed to be done. He never wants to lose me. He cannot sleep without me. We call each other at 2 or 3am to talk about how we miss each other. One night he cried himself to sleep on the phone. The next night I did the same. Now he has gone I feel a shadow of my former self. It's stupid I know. I have told my friends I'm going to marry him. At the end of the day, marriage is not as sacred as it once was. But I believe it will make us stronger. He is poor and has no education, but he works hard at everything he does and when he walks into a room it lights up. Money can not buy this.

I am a fool in love.

My other half. The fire in my soul. He left yesterday. I cried like I never cried before. He is 13 hours away by bus. The sun is still shining but everything feels different. To think of him brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I cannot speak of him without crying.

Is this love??

Amber has been reignited in me. My passion was dead, the light gone from my eyes. I was reasonably happy so I thought, but now I now that my alter ego is alive and well, I'm feeling better than ever.

You see, I've met a kindred spirit. He has the same ideas as me - when we talk about things we frequently say it is like looking in the mirror. He too is two - he has both angel and demon, and unlike the majority of the world, he treats them both as individuals. And I have begun to do the same. I have finally acknowledged that Amber is the stripper, lapdancer, whore, drug addict, alcoholic - she likes to live life in the fast lane. And little ol' B is the girl whose favourite pastime is curling up on the sofa with the duvet over her reading a good book or watching a good film.

Both are smart, sassy, and know what they want. But Amber has no issues with speaking her mind, whereas B is the worrier, the bottler. I haven't yet identified who it is who has been crying so much in the past year - the tears certainly match Amber's tempuosity but reflect B's emotion. Amber is the one who keeps trying to drag me towards setting up a long-term arrangement in the sex industry, whilst B is desperately trying to convince me to seek an intellectual career in publishing. So as a happy medium I have ended up in entertainment and customer relations. The time on stage feeds Amber's hunger, whereas the endless paperwork causes enough stress to sate B's pedantic appetite.

My kindred spirit is exactly the same. Sometimes when we talk, when we fuck, when we spend time together, we first establish who it is we are with. With him, Amber certainly has enough to keep her busy, and his talk is enough to keep B's brain alive.

Thus began the age of schizophrenia

Oh my god. I'm still alive!!! Sorry I've not written for a while but I've been ridiculously busy. Once I finish in Turkey I'll be jetting off to Malta for the winter season (until Jan) working with the golden oldies - ie, bingo every night!!! Might get to see some of my favourite bloggers there....

Anyway, gotta dash (again) so I'll spak soon - hope all my blog mates are doing well

x x x

I dıdn't cry at the time the last post was written, but I have since. Confronted cheating bastard and he said he took laptop to look at my photos of us together (because he misses me, still loves me yadda yadda yadda) and then he put it back. And then it was stolen. Have not looked at any photos on facebook since. I have however kissed cheating bastard. Several times. Like a fucking idiot. And not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips yet. Oh wait, I had a swig of beer last night.

So now my head is even more fucked than usual. And I just got an email saying that I won't be able to go back to uni til Sept 2010. So I'm gonna apply to go to Mexico for the winter. Fuck it. Manchester will just have to wait for me....

I just want to cry. I don't know if it's because I haven't taken my meds for 2 weeks now or because someone has stolen my laptop or the fact that I have just looked at cheating bastard ex-toyboy's gf's facebook page and her photos of them together. And the fact that it might have been cheating bastard who stole my laptop. I'm going to the pub....

Just got out of hospital again. This time I went in with gastro and dehydration again. Dunno how I get so 'severely dehydrated'. Got shitloads of meds to take now. One particularly fun evening was when the drip in my arm went wrong and the nurse proceeded to stick needles into various parts of me trying to hit a vein (my veins run rather deep apparently). In the end I had a multi-way drip contraption sticking out of my hand. The swelling is still so bad it's painful to wear a watch.

In other news, got home to find the kittens are now walking and frequently scrapping with each other, which is just adorable. In hospital I started devising a game plan for my return to the UK. I'm thinking of moving to Manchester to get some work experience doing writing somewhere - and there's a really good strip club that I want to go and work in!!! (Plus its far easier to get to Leeds from Manch....)

Thats all for now...

Yup, that's rıght. I've been ill. Been in hospital this week with bronchitis, pharyngitis, fatigue, sinusitis, dehydration....the list is endless. Had to have a drip in and everything. Now I'm finally out and wish I was back in cos I feel even worse (probably lack of room service and air con) and can not stop sweating profusely from every pore. I'm fully expecting to cough up a lung or faint in the very near future........

(yeah I know, how sorry for myself can I be!!)

Yes, I know, I'm obsessed............